I was debating on whether or not to put this into The Unraveling Chronicles, because it can apply to life in general. And....for me this is where it fits, for now.
I have been working with herbs, physical therapy, and following specific exercise programs for almost a year now. I have also made many lifestyle changes. And yet, I still find myself with aching hips, back, and things that came come with pelvic floor tension. It has all definitely improved as has my wisdom, but I know there is more and I am venturing more into the realm of the somatic emotional stuff, which has me a bit discombobulated.
A few nights ago, I posed the question. "What am I missing? What other changes should I be making?" and the answer I got was around comfort. I don't remember exactly how the information came through, but it was around coffee. And I did not like that one bit. So........I decided that I would only drink half caff coffee. I do pour overs and this is easy. Well, that didn't work. Not one bit. So then I tried decaff. A wee bit of improvement, but I was still left with great discomfort. (comfort/discomfort......ahhhhhhhhh the webs we weave from what we decide words mean). So today I woke up and told myself, let's try no coffee today and see what happens. And guess what? Pain and discomfort reduction by about 75%. My digestion is better, I actually don't have the pounding headache I anticipated having, just a wee bit of one. And so that was a HUGE change from that new choice. And I've been really fucking sad all day. Yes, because I guess I can't have coffee anymore, for now. And yes, I CAN have coffee........but there will be an exchange in aches, pains, and then being grouchy because I don't feel good, so it's really a wise choice.
And Im still sad.
And then I remembered the bit about comfort. And what I heard then was "Sometimes the things that bring us comfort in one area are actually causing a great discomfort in another."
Now how does this play into coffee?
For me it does big time. Every night when I go to bed, I look forward to waking up in the wee hours before the rest of the house stirs and making a cup of coffee, with grassfed butter from ireland in it, along with a touch of maple syrup. I gave up the milk a while back when I realized how sensitive I was to dairy (thank you CV for that illumination - and yes, i mean it). I would take my coffee out onto the porch, and drink it while I listened to the early morning birds and watched early bird red squirrels dig for acorns and scurry up the two big oak trees. I would watch as the light changed and the day came into toddlerhood. I would do all of this while enjoying my cup of morning coffee. It brought me a great comfort in a rather hectic world and a still (even though Im doing better) busy life.
But it was contributing to my physical issues in ways that eventually became too high of a price for that comfort.
So now I am sitting with all of this, while I grieve. And yeah, it is grief......which might sound silly to say with all of the big attrocities going on in the world......how can coffee matter that much? But it did. It was a comfort for me..
So now I am looking deeper into that word "comfort".
Comfort came from the late 13c conforten, which means "to cheer up, console, soothe when in grief or trouble". In Old French it came from conforter, which meant "to solace, to help, to strengthen." and in Late Latin from confortare, which means "to strengthen much".
And now I ask things like "What was the comfort of my coffee strengthening in me?"
Clearly I know that it was weakening (discomfort) my digestive system and urinary system enough to create spasms and tension in muscles, which then lead to nerve pain..........
What came up was that it was bringing me a little bit of cheer and joy and soothing the grief that I felt....well....really everywhere lately (dont get me wrong, I am incredibly happy and at the same time, I feel a lot of grief........or rather, I feel it when I allow myself to feel it. A lot of the time I tuck it in and it comes out as asthma. - still a work in progress.)
Looking at the discomfort, actually illuminated the comfort and strength........coffee was bringing me joy....and cheerfulness. And....well........there are other things that can do that as well. (This is actually one of the ways we can work with addictions. Ask What is the addiction doing for you? How is it serving you? What is it holding for you?)
So you know what I did today? I went and sat with my chickens for a long time. I took a drive and marveled at the blueberry fields and the little housing camp for seasonal blueberry workers, which brings to mind California in the days that Steinbeck used to write about (at least to me, at least in some of his books), I made myself teas of tulsi and drank them both hot and over ice throughout the day. And I allowed myself to get teary when I looked at the clouds. And then I made caramel corn....which is weird because it's July and caramel corn is usually something for fall.....although fall is the season of dying, of letting go.........and so it all made absolute perfect sense.
And I am sure that the information that this brought forth, and the healing that is following, will bring more explorations around comfort.
What a curious thing life is! So much to be found in something as simple as a cup of coffee.
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