I had planned on sharing The Unraveling Chronicles in a neat, linear fashion through the lens of time. But that itself creates tension (for me), for I am not very linear and my relationship with time is unusual. So they will come here and there, and there and here, and a little bit of way off yonder.
Learning that I held tension in my pelvic floor at first had me really learning about things through the lens of the physical body. It's often where most of us go, and follow that path for as far as it will take us. Let's face it, the physical work is easier than the emotional pieces. When we are wracked with pain, we think that is not true. However, when faced with the choice between doing the emotional stuff, much of the time, we would rather work on the physical. However, that is only going to get us so far.
Recently I have been really looking at tension. Not just in my pelvic floor, but everywhere in who I am as a being. It took the unraveling to begin to notice.
I noticed the tension in my physical body, mostly on the right side (yeah "other" work makes me tense, whoddathunk?!). I noticed it in how I hold my jaw - literally always clenching it, unless I am mindful to not. Clenching my jaw had become my regular state. I remember when my mom would visibly clench her jaw and grit her teeth. It was when she was angry, but we were in a public place and she was holding back the anger and what she wanted to say, because what would people think? I even wrote a piece about it in the second book I self published. Her tension would be met with my own tensing up of what was coming.
Then I started to notice tension in other aspects of my being. How I talk........it's often quick and snappy like a tightly held rubberband. Such a clever defensive movement to bounce whatever you don't like coming, right back out there and away from self. Only holding that rubber band tight enough takes an incredible amount of energy,,,,,and rubber bands can get worn out and eventually break. I used to point my fingers at my Aires rising and moon. And yes, that definitely is a factor and probably makes shifting it into a more fluid, lubricated nature all that more challenging.
I noticed tension in my breathe. With a lifelong history of asthma, I am always holding a bit of tension there. Sometimes a lot of tension there. Most asthmatics actually have more trouble exhaling air than they do taking it in, although any person that deals with asthma will tell you that this is not what it feels like. In a way, we hold air, hold breath. This creates tension and pressure, which also creates tension.
I noticed how I walk is tense. Holding myself tightly, but also trying to look laid back....which actually invites greater tension. My posture developed around this. It's been that way for so long, that it is a great challenge to shift.
One thing that all of this means is that I am constantly in a state of bracing myself......even when nothing is coming. It has been so much a part of me for so long....and when I look back, it has been a part of my maternal ancestry for so long. I learned this. Probably from the get go.
And so now what?
I soften. I slow down.
The word soften is what has come up again and again to me. Not relax, because the mere mention of the word relax triggers tension in me. But soften is different. Soften brings to mind the pink petals of beach roses, the shaggy warm fleece jacket my oldest son bought me for my birthday one year, and a sinking into the earth and being held.
This is about trust.
All trust is self trust.
And herein lies a tendril, which may be the core....or at least really close to it.
I still feel the core is around worthiness.
And worthiness goes hand in hand with trust. For if we do not feel worthy, how is it that we are to trust ourselves in this inherantly unsafe world without constantly bracing ourselves against it. We must lean in and see what we find. Given that most of what we are conditioned to believe is only partially true and has 45 other perspectives through which to view it, chances are that the whole idea of "Bracing yourself to keep yourself safe from what's coming" isn't actually true.
So we lean in slowly at first, and then possibly all at once as that trust becomes comfortable.
************************
An Essence that I enjoy working with for tension is Chrysocolla. Delta Gardens makes this excellent gemstone essence that you can find over at their website.
Herbally I like most of the nervines, and which will depend on what is going on at the time. Oatstraw in the form of tea is always a favorite. It nourishes the nervous system so that our response to stress can ease. I also like skullcap or passionflower for busy mental body, which is often directing our fears.
Commentaires