I have spoken quite a bit this month on the physical aspects of my experience with Covid, which continues to shift and change and morph into new and fascinating things. One thing improves and all of a sudden something else is trying to get my attention. What a wild ride this continues to be!
I have spoken less of the emotional pieces. They are much harder to put into words, and once we start talking about them, there is this tendency to push them into the mental body, and out of the emotional body.....or rather deeper into the emotional body - because that is how these things work.
During the most acute phases of Covid, I made a sort of "contract" of sorts.....or at least that is what became clear that is what I did just a few days ago when I was lamenting on how damn sad I have been feeling. I suddenly recalled that one of the things that helped me through the hardest phases, was my knowledge that illnesses, especially viruses, help us. They shine a light on our biggest areas that need work. I also know that sometimes when we agree with the organisms and say "Im aware of this and I will pay attention." that things can shift in huge ways, in an instant, like magic. When I was really sick with high fever and chills, before the vomiting started, I spoke with covid and said......please don't go into my lungs. I trust that you will help me heal that part of me, my respiratory stuff, that has been with me since childhood. And I believe that request was heard, for I never really had any respiratory issues during covid. in fact, shortly after I asked that, I began the day of violent vomiting.
After this, I got really curious at how almost instantly improved my lungs were. At how my asthma that bothered me every day, suddenly wasn't bothering me. I could still feel it, but not in the distressing way that I was used to. I thought "Ok, I guess covid heard me." Not totally sure if I should believe this or not just yet.
And now, a month later, I do believe it. And it makes perfect sense that I am now feeling incredible sadness about pretty much everything. And if it's not sadness, its joy with the bittersweetness of its flip side of grief being noticeably present. The other day I thought "ok im tired of feeling sad now.".........and that is when I heard "But you made a contract. You asked for your lung issues to be remedied and the sadness is what you need to feel in order for that to happen. The sadness is your part of the contract."
FUCK. Yup. I knew in an instant that this is true. Lungs hold grief. I dont like to feel grief. I typically turn it into anger.....and my Mars dominant chart is super supportive of this, as is my Aires moon and rising. I am quite comfortable with anger.
AND.........each time I start to step away and distract myself from the "sad".........I start to feel pain in my head. (now I am feeling sinus pain too but this grief headache is different.....this is linked to a very old pattern that I spent at least a decade or more shifting............and this was saying.....hey there are still pieces of that old pattern left.....you were very successful at shifting them away from debilitating. migraines and stuffing them deeper into your lungs.........but now it's time to clear it out the rest of the way....it is, after all, what you asked for.). Yup. I did.
Now would I still have made that agreement knowing that I would not feel just a little bit sad, but I would get to feel ALL the sad that I have stored up ALL this time.......? I don't know. I can say it does feel nice to be able to breathe more feeling again, to not have to wake up in the middle of the night struggling for breath, and to not have to turn to albuterol and all of the ickiness that brings with it for help when the herbs aren't enough. So I shall go with it for a while and see where it takes me.
I am incredibly grateful for my awareness. I am incredibly grateful for my knowledge and wisdom. I am even, maybe, grateful for this whole experience, which is helping me heal in more ways than I know right now.
And I dont like being sad. So I am calling on rose.....and hawthorn.......and quiet moments of contemplation. And bringing in so much gratitude.....probably. more than ever before, which brings even more tears......but those of joy.
We can't have true joy without also having the grief that is always a part of every moment. So I am sad.....and I am also grateful.
And..........Covid is a fucking trip.
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