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Covid and The Reconvening

I caught myself by surprise yesterday.  I was chatting with a friend (and by chatting I mean texting which really isn't the same at all, but we have come to speak about it that way, and I find that peculiar when I pause for a moment) about some of my current "health" challenges which are all very reminiscent of some of the challenges I faced 26 years ago, which I'm not surprised, because Covid seems to have this tendency to illuminate everything that wasn't yet completed, illuminate things that point us in the direction of healing that is needed to reconvene with all of self.

I shared that I'm not even 50% as ill as I was then and I had a lot of skills and I had a good circle and I knew I could shift things...... I also said, but I'm older now, I've had three children since then (four total), and my body is not what it was when I was 26  years old...........

I then shared that I was able to do things, but at a slower pace. I found that most of my time was spent doing mundane things, laundry, cooking, dinner, cooking lunch, sweeping the floor, playing board games with my children, snuggling with our dogs (and oh the amazing relationship that is blossoming between us) and somewhere within there I was able to fit some time to work, and then I said "this is actually rather pleasant. I kind of am enjoying this slower pace despite not feeling fabulous physically."

And then all of a sudden things were illuminated.

I remembered when I was at my sickest with Covid, which was probably the second day of the acute onset of symptoms, which for me involved, excruciating head pain, and the most violent vomiting I have ever experienced.....,,,,,,

I suddenly remembered the visions that kept replaying during that time. And they weren't scary. They were incredibly pleasant. I have spoken of these before and how I forgot about them, I'm  not sure. .......... we humans do that..... fall back into familiar routine and habit quite easily.  So rather than chastise myself for forgetting, I delighted in the remembering.

The visions  I had were of me sitting on a blanket near the crabapple tree with my youngest son. We had a bowl of string beans that we had picked from the garden. The sun was shining and warm, but not too warm.  We had glasses of either lemonade, or iced tea, and we were just sitting, smiling, talking, laughing. Neighbors would walk by along the street doing whatever neighbors do and they would say hello and we might chat for a minute. And then we would go inside and cook the string beans to have along with dinner.  It was a depiction of exactly the life I have always wanted.  One of slow, simplicity.  One that wasn't filled with frantic buzz, but a slow deep hum that was aligned with that of the earth.  (every time over the years that I have posed the question "what kind of life do you want?", The answer is always that essence. That slowness, that simplicity. It never involves things I have attained, such as material, objects or statuses. It is always about that peaceful essence........ always.... ever since childhood.)

This was COVID's gift......... and yesterday during this illumination, I realized that it is very likely that this is what it continues to try and gift to me- this dream life that I so long for.  And in typical human nature, I've been frantically trying to get back to the habit of being busy, because this is what I know, and this is what is familiar to me.

Yesterday I had this very strong sense that a lot of the ills that I am experiencing are that push towards that dream wave being expressed through the physical body because that's the one we listen to most often. Like all chronic conditions, it is pushing me towards by way of entrapment, into that dream life that reconvening with all of self, that life that I deeply want.

And I thought "what if I just allowed it?"  What if I just accepted the gift I was given of that slower life?

Now, this isn't to say all the aches  and pains and ills will suddenly disappear without my participation in nourishing and restoring the physical body. ( although there is this funny whisper that suggests that perhaps the histamine intolerance and MCAS that are speaking loudly, carry with it the backdrop message of "you are actually "allergic" to this busy, frantic pace.”) There is definitely still work there, but I believe that life, that slower more simplistic life, is already written for me. And I am being moved towards it through the passage of time in one way or another. I can be forced into a slower life through physical illness that limits me being busy and continue to reduce the things I participate in .......... OR ....... I can choose to perhaps participate in those most meaningful, at a slower pace.......

and I feel this is key.

I then remembered some words that or spoken by Sean Donoghue,  at one of his classes recently. This was about spiritual pain.  This was about the pain of being in disconnection from nature. The truth is we are never disconnected, we just stopped paying attention.  We stop fostering that relationship... by amputating ourselves from the whole......... and we are still a part of it, but an amputated limb still a part of the whole, just doesn't work so well.

Now there are probably other tendrils and other complexities that are part of this whole big picture. But then again, maybe not.  The simplest answer is usually the correct one. And I think what I feel in my core is probably this path of the golden thread.  Because it's not just something I'm thinking,  it's something I'm feeling. Remembering those visions from when I was deeply ill illuminated every aspect of me like a huge lightbulb ....... or perhaps, like the real illuminating of the earth that happens during an eclipse. 

And I keep using the word "remembering" but it wasn't remembering. That would suggest it was just a mental construct. This was different than that. This was an illumination of every body of self, and every fiber within those bodies.

This was a "Reminding"......... and when we look at that word,  things start to get very interesting.

Reminding.  Re- Minding.

The etymology of "remind" is to "to remember, recall (something) to one's mind".

Re- back, back from, back to the original place;" also "again, anew, once more," also conveying the notion of "undoing" or "backward,"

Mind (v) "to remember, call to mind, take care to remember,"

And suddenly another lightbulb goes off. I've been looking at the word "mind"  as a noun, and forgot that it is also a verb.

Words are important.

This "reminding" really is a "reconvening". (And a side note here..... the times I have used that word in a deeply felt sense, was at the birth of each of my children, at the first glance of my dear husband, and after reading "The Secret Teachings of Plants" by Stephen Buhner and "The Forest Reminds Us of Who We Are" by Sean Padraig O'Donoghue. Both books carried with them the experience of reconvening with self,,,, and all that means..... which is really a reconvening with ALL.)

This illumination arose within a couple of hours of the total solar eclipse. We experienced yesterday. And I think there might be something there.  No...... I am speaking incorrectly.  I KNOW there is something there.

Could it be that simple?

I think perhaps it can.

Which also means it is that difficult....... because we are human..... and humans have this weird tendency to always bring things into their path , right in front of their next footsteps, as if it were some grand treasure or they're trying to halt the course of the path.......... but the path is the path. And if you put a boulder in the middle of it, the path still continues and you will still be directed to continue on it, even if you now must climb  over the boulder you've placed in the middle.

What a gift to experience this and be reminded of that life, which is waiting for me to allow.  How strange the pull of habit is, even when we dread it.

And as I always say, perhaps this is just story I tell myself to make myself feel better.  But I don't really believe that it's just a story.  I think that's something we say to appease those that don't notice the patterns and intricacies, and aren't aware of the golden threads.

And perhaps that too is a habit that would serve me to let go of.

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